isang panunuligsa

Hindi na ako magpapaliguy-ligoy pa.

Isang panlilibak sa pagka-Pilipino ang katotohonang hindi tayo nakapagsasalita gamit ang ating SARILING WIKA nang may husay at saysay.

Isang panlilibak sa lahat ng pinaglaban ng mga ninuno na walang alinlangang nag-alay ng dugo, pawis at buhay upang ang hinaharap ay manatiling may sariling pagkakakilanlan. Ang pagwaksi sa paggamit sa sariling wika ay pagtalikod sa lahat ng mga sumasagisag sa lahi nating malaya - ang mga buhay na sinupil ng mga dayuhang nagnais na paimbabawan ang kulturang makulay at matatag bago pa man sakupin ng "sibilisasyong" itinuring na huwad na langit. Binabasura ng pagtalikod sa wika ang sagisag ng ating kultura. Ang wika ay kultura at ang kultura ay wika.

Isang panlilibak ang pagbibigay ng mas mataas na turing at halaga sa ibang wika at sabihing ang pagkatuto ng ibang wika ang batayan ng talino at tagumpay. Hindi na nga dapat pang isalaysay sa sanasaysay na ito ang mga halimbawa ng mga bansang naging maunlad sapagkat hindi nila tinalikuran ang kanilang sariling wika.

Isang panlilibak sa pinag-ugatan at pinagmulan ng wika ang paghimpil sa kamalayang Kolonyal at Kanluranin. Ang pagturing sa wikang banyaga bilang superyor na wika ay isang malaking patunay na tinalikuran na ang lahing Pilipino. 

Isang panlilibak sa sarili. 

Wala nang pagdududa. Panahon para manuligsa. 

Mahiya ka naman - Pilipinong balu-baluktot ang dila kapag nagsasalita sa ating wika.

Mahiya ka naman - Pilipinong walang pagpapahalaga at pagmamalaki sa ating kultura.

Mahiya ka naman - Pilipinong mas nais pang matuto ng wikang banyaga kaysa hasain ang talino sa pagsasalita ng ating wika.

Mahiya ka naman - Pilipinong ang turing sa ating lahi ay mababa at walang laban.

Wala nang paliguy-ligoy pa. Panahon na ng panunuligsa.

an attempt at human connection

I am one too difficult to understand that I sometimes end up not really understanding what I am doing.

If unprepared, I confuse myself easily. I owe this to the fact that I rarely have time to think about myself, retrospect, or just simply stop thinking and worrying about so many random things. Even in yoga classes it is difficult for me to follow the direction to let go of all thoughts and just think of my breathing.  Inhale, exhale. Yeah, I know how that works. So why should I think about how my lungs expand and revert to its original size?

This blog has allowed me to do just what I badly need in my life: time for retrospection. Most of the time, I get the sense that people think I am too self-centered owing to the following anti-social habits: not greeting people, even those I know, in the morning; not properly replying or reacting to a wave of hello or a smile; staying in my office space unless I have to go to class or eat. But in reality, I do this because I am thinking of so many other things in my life: family and finances.

Instead of taking time to step out of my office space and into the world (both literally and figuratively), I worry. Each inhalation and exhalation brings forth worries. But little by little I am trying to be less of a monster worrier and begin being human.

However worked has piled up once again and I am not sure if I will have time to connect with humans again. I might alienate myself again.

Hopefully, this blog shall keep me sane and human. I am hoping that these snippets of my life is a good enough way to become successful in my attempt at human connection.

electrocuted

Thankful that my mom has already received the money she needs to buy a ticket back home.

Dad and stepmom gave us money to pay the rent for June and July. Thought money is enough to cover expenditures this month. Bought Zara shoes for the first time. From 2500 pesos, I purchased it for 800 pesos. A real steal and great deal for a first time buyer like myself.

Made a mistake in budgeting. Now I am thinking of spreading the money for allowances and groceries and personal needs. My head shall explode again when I will see where the money goes to.

I will just look at the shiny Zara sneakers and say to myself: That's a gift for all the hard work these past few months.

finding the write ones

Just checking out Lady Gaga song covers and found this. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDEeDctjASg

suck-ups are invincible

I am a suck-up, I admit that.

What's wrong with being one?

I have realized long ago the potency of being obsequious to people who require you to be. It's commensalism in the professional world. They get what they want from you and you in turn gain approval. And isn't that just wonderful? To be approved of all the time?

The term is an irony. Gaining the approval of people who matter in the professional world has so many advantages.

1. You get to be given tasks that other people would so easily beg off to do.
2. As a favorite, you have unfair advantage over other employees to be assigned thank-you-you're-welcome jobs and tasks.
3. Undeniable power has been bested upon you when you chose to be a suck-up: the power to learn new developments in school so you can have time to prepare for the future tasks.
4. You will be rewarded by invisible, mighty hands.
5. Suck-ups are invincible because of the above-mentioned advantages.

I could speak of the many other advantages that gregarious suck-ups have earned for themselves but my vision is being clouded.

Can someone tell me why?

Amid DSL, aging is still best

Much has been said about how today's youth are entirely different from its predecessors. And those of us who belong to the earlier generations find ourselves sighing over the youth's insensitivity and nonchalance to things that take place in their midst.

But, have we truly thought of how our youth is responding to and receiving this world primarily dictated by multi-tasking and broadband speed?

The youth may have access to almost anything they can think about with just a click of a button, but there are questions that do not have one-click away answers. Questions that are bugging them the same way they have bugged us when we were their age.

Together with the youth, we have been shocked, swayed, poked, and twitted by the various gadgets and technology that now govern and control much of the world. We too were excited by the vastness of the world wide web and the ease with which we can accomplish things. While we let the microwave do the cooking for us, we go to watch cable TV or check our long-lost friends and classmates in various social networking sites.

While our son, daughter, nephew, or niece is quietly tilling their virtual land and harvesting digital produce, we observe in amazement how printers and photocopiers publish theses which in the past we either had to manually write or mechanically produce using those bulky, callus-buidling typewriters.
The limitless and borderless world of the tangled world wide web has created a bigger gap between the children of the 21st century and the children of the bicentennial that was. We have grown apart from the youth greatly, so much so that we have forgotten that even if they could communicate with relatives and friends with a few clicks of a button or with a few shortcut text messages, these awesome technological advancements will never suffice the security that our presence offers.

We need to understand that despite the quickness and ease by which things are accomplished, they could never appreciate them properly because they have no point of comparison. They could not appreciate instantly how writing and listening develop ones keenness when they know they could easily ask their teacher for a soft copy of the lesson's PowerPoint presentation, have it printed for their own consumption, and understand the lesson in their own terms and conditions. They could not appreciate right away the value of thinking well before you type something when one could easily delete what he/she has typed with just a simple press of a button, without having to pull out liquid erasers and waiting for the eraser to dry before you can continue writing.

The truth is that the amount of guidance our youth needs is in direct proportion with the amount of information they get from the Web. And it is educators and formators who comprise part of the youth's first line of guidance in the process of properly understanding what this information age is bringing with it.  Think of it this way. If you were falling in line for an eat-all-you-can buffet and you find a foreign selection of dishes in front of you, would it not be great to have someone who has seen and tasted the dishes in front of you offer you help with your choices so you'd have great time feasting on the great-tasting meals, as opposed to getting a little of everything and seeing what dishes fit your taste only to find out that you have wasted so much time tasting the first few dishes that the other dishes have been taken by everybody else because those were palatable ones?

The world wide web may have much to offer but the youth is in dire need of help in order to thread that web properly. We need to guide them with wisdom we  acquired from decades of experiences and bestowed upon us by the Almighty.

No matter how many webs get entangled into each other or how many megabytes per second the world demands, aging wine will still be the best way to produce great tasting wine, cooking delectable dishes over slow fire  will still create magnificent tastes, and the slow setting of the sun will still evoke the same nostalgic, romantic feelings.

the cycle has bound us*

Nothing in the world ever really changes.

Think about it when we change, others change. So aren't we just counteracting one another's changes?

I don't know but I've always believed that what we become is just an enhancement of what you used to be. That I do not consider change.

And like cosmetic surgery enhancements, these improvements we made in our physical, psychological, and social presenting selves may sag, rot, or revert to its original form.

As water becomes vapor and becomes precipitation and back, so is our pitiful lives. We struggle to move straight ahead. All this time we have been circling around the same path. We move around the same circular path, though we move places. But we remain in the same circular motion.

If one desires to achieve authentic change, then stop rotating about the same axis. Move crisscross. Up and down snakes and ladders. Spiral down or up. Swivel. For other motion paths, refer to PowerPoint presentation custom animations.

Seriously though, I find so far our human existence whimsical yet cyclical. I remember one song of Imago - which inspired the title of this blog - that goes: "The cycle sees. The cycle flows. The cycle binds us."

Perhaps we are really caught up in between this conspiracy to make us believe that we can really change.

I don't know now. Do we change? Do we just improve and after some time falter?

I wish I can answer those questions now.

eventually entropy

eventually
we'll get tired
we'll realize that unconditional love is a Godly task
we'll become vulnerable
we'll succumb to the longings of selfishness
we'll desire for ourselves more, less for others
we'll stop thinking about others' sake when ours has been taking a backseat for such a long time now
we'll lie about feeling okay when we aren't
we'll confuse ourselves with what we want to do
the system will corrupt us
the system will change for the better
the crying and whining will stop
the laughters will pour in like a hailstorm
being a breadwinner will become a job more than a role
being gullible will become an asset
being corrupt will become the norm
being the norm will become abnormal
singing punk rock will be high class
wearing garbage bags will be high fashion
owning Nokia 5110 will be a trademark
spreading digital and biological virus will be cool
talking nonsense will give you Nobels
writing garbage will give you Pulitzers
designing trash will give you Red Dots
crying will be the only source of water
laughing will be the only source of air
loving will be the only source of life

i could use some hyperboles now

To say that the past month and two weeks of this month have been challenging is an understatement. To say the least, the last several weeks of my life have been filled with a series of pleasant and  dreadful surprises.

I have been assigned to become a part-administrator of the school's new program, which is turning out pretty well - at least in my point of view.

The summer months have allowed me to earn extra income and at the same time develop skills and showcase my talent in writing and logistics management; activities I am very fond of doing.

Apollo came to me through the school's laptop program coursed through Sapura Technologies. Very exciting.

Then there comes the news of my mom supposedly getting a new job in Bahrain, which did not turn out pretty well after her previous employer had her detained for being a runaway (she says she isn't, though).  At present, I am still looking for money to buy her a plane ticket back home. Home, household. Okay, stop. Don't even get me started on that. I shall put them off for another post.

School started with me not knowing what my real academic load is. Surprised (not sure if pleasantly though), I took the challenge of teaching world literature and mythology for the first time. I am getting the hang of it and I am actually enjoying. I still teach journalism, the subject I shall forever adore.

Despite the administrative post I was given, I am teaching eight sections: six sophomore classes and two senior classes. I have no actual qualms about this since for the last three years, I've been handling 10-11 regular classes. At first I thought teaching 8 sections would be a breeze. But as the new alternative learning program began moving ahead, it dawned on me just how much I'd be working on; that I'd most likely be working from God knows what time until I fall asleep. Having artists in the program is both a blessing and a slight pain as these students' schedules would be as erratic as the weather; so their parents say. Then I would most likely be checking the progress of each student on a daily basis.

Hopefully, these foresights are just exaggerations of what I would actually be doing in the several months that shall be pouring in.

Rants, these things may seem, but I am actually looking forward to doing the logistical stuff of the program. I just don't know yet how I could juggle with all my extremities all these things, in spite of my yoga know-how: being a the family breadwinner, working as a student coordinator, teaching regular, online, and co-curricular classes, attending masses, working out, practicing yoga, writing, cooking, and so many other things.

 I could use some hyperboles now. Pleh

pro bono, but not so

Ever since I was a kid, I have always believed in the essence and beauty of the spirit of volunteerism and initiative. I volunteered to do tasks in all my subjects even though I have tons of work to do because doing nothing does not appeal to me. In fact, I produced one issue of our high school paper almost all by myself - got help from time to time from other staffers. Yet I never boasted about it. I never paraded the amount of work I have done in our high school yearbook, in my undergraduate thesis (who I finished with the best thesis partner in the world Mark Holandes Ubalde), or in any task I was assigned.

Naturally, I brought this spirit in me when I finally got a job as a professional teacher. Ever cheerful and high, I would never say no to work given me. Like what I said, I love doing something all the time. Dull moments do not exist in my vocabulary. I always believed that we need to live life to the fullest. Sleeping deprives us of wonderful moments in life. So sleep less.

In spite of this passion for volunteerism and doing things, when one starts working, one can't help but look for a commensurate payment for the work that you are doing. But don't get me wrong. Even if I am saying this, I do not mean that I lost my sense of initiative altogether. My actions, I sincerely believe, have spoken much of what I can and willing to do, with or without remuneration. But because I am human, I expect that I will be remunerated for something that I am doing, which I agreed to because I believe that I'd be able to apply several skills and talents which I possess; plus, this is also a new experience.

I just hope things turn out fine eventually. It gets frustrating sometimes, especially when you know you give it your best yet no appreciation is shown or expressed, either through shoulder taps or cash flaps.

cat song

A friend shared this video in Youtube. Very funny but the voices of the two boys are amazing.

Check out the cat song.

breaking free

I just need a break after a day of teaching and fixing and reordering schedules of our PAL students. On top of that, I have to teach tomorrow and prepare for my 8 classes next week. This is killing me. Someone buy me some time please, upsize, to go.

Some Pretty Annoying Things

I usually enjoy the company of myself and am very nonchalant to so many things around me. But several things annoy me when dealing with other people to do business, to ask them questions, or simply to interact with them.

1. Queues for FX taxis - I count from the first person in line to where I am. Fourth. Great I can sit in the middle seat or the seats at the back. The pollution-dirtied white FX taxi arrives. The barker yells "Tikling." Slowly, I walk and follow conscientiously the first three persons in front of me so they could choose where they'd like to sit. Suddenly, the next six people divert from the line and find another way to get in the FX taxis. I stand there in front of the door for the middle seat, wondering why I am the second to the last person to board. To my dissatisfaction, I retorted, "Ang tatanda na ho natin hindi pa rin tayo marunong sumunod sa pila" (We are all old enough yet we haven't learned how to respect the line).

2. Customer Relations Workers who are not so "relational." - Last June 30, 2010, I was in PowerPlant Mall's Rustan's Supermarket. I bought grapes and C2 Envidia so I'd have something to eat and drink while I watch Eclipse. I was short of change so I had to pay the cashier 100 pesos instead of giving her a smaller amount. The bill totaled to 61.50. She asked me if I had 50 cents but I said, "No, I don't have. I already paid it to someone else." Then she pressed that button, the cash register opened and she handed me two 20-peso bills. "Miss, sorry. Is this okay?" I humbly ask her. She replies rudely and with angst, "Sanay naman na kami" (We are used to this). "Ay sorry naman. Nakakahiya sa piso, (Oh I'm sorry. I feel bad for the peso)" I jokingly replied. No reaction. I brushed it aside for awhile but as I stepped on the escalator, I realized I couldn't simply let the moment pass by like that. I go back to Cashier No. 12. As I briskly walked back to her, I took out my coin purse and looked for a peso. I took it out. Slammed it on the metal platform and rudely told her, "O, eto piso. Baka kung ano pang masabi mo. Bastos ka" (You might say something bad about this so here's the peso. You b*tch) (not the actual proper translation but that's what I would have said in English). Then I immediately proceeded to the Customer Service desk and reported the cashier. The manager apologized and I am pretty sure she got a healthy dose of reminders and was reprimanded for what she had done to me.

(to be continued...)

slow-paced walks

After a tiring day composed of three and a half hours of teaching, and 3 hours of preparation for our PAL Parents' Orientation and 2 and a half hours of orientation, a great workout would end it best.

I am forgoing working out for the moment as I haven't paid the monthly dues yet hahaha.

So I just decided to walk around Megamall. I usually walk briskly but because of spare time I have, I walked slower than my usual space. I appreciated the tapping of my leather shoes on the tiled floors of the mall, how the lighting in the mall always makes you feel that it's already late in the evening. Slowing down was very relaxing.

Most of the time we feel rushed. This fast-paced, technology, wifi-driven world has all of us on a leash. At the mercy of technology, we all run, walk, talk, think as fast as we could that sometimes we forget to appreciate the stillness of our breaths, the quiet ticking of analog watches, the warm-cold zephyr of Manila.

I shall walk in a slower pace form time to time to make me see the wonders of the world again. So that I may appreciate the intelligence of a silent nod and the warmth of a simple embrace.

sorry is the most pathetic excuse

Sorry.

Don't even think about saying that to me. I don't believe in that word. If you had done something you were doing it with the fullness of your knowledge; therefore, you meant to do what you had done.

There is no point in saying I am sorry because it does not feel real. Hey, come on. You would not have done it in the first place if you thought well about it and you know that the result would not be very pleasant.

Needless to say, apologies are always appreciated but I believe in prevention being a more powerful cure.

If you know you'll just be SORRY after doing it, then do something to resolve it. Otherwise, stay put and you would not have to be sorry.

Let it Rain

I fell in love again just a week back and created this.

though far apart our hearts may be

distance means nothing when we sing of love

i’ll let the rain clouds bring forth my caress

and let the raindrops fall on thy lips as kisses

i’ll let rain clouds fly over and hover

so that each moment shall shower

velvety kisses that whisper desire

foamy hugs that emit love and care

let the rain clouds remind our hearts

of nights spent under the gaze of moonlight

each raindrop carries a longing and a wish

to be together from here on til the end.

Let it Rain by Tim Decano is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Clear Horizons by Tim Decano is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

got my heartbroken and this came out.

Clear Horizons

tomorrow shall end this day of unrest

of memories lost

recovered from that time when innocence

was crystal clear

now shattered by ruins of broken hearts

wounded souls, weary feet

splotched body, cracked lips.

i can no longer stay this madness

that has sprung forth when you chose

to rise elsewhere that has none of my presence

elsewhere that my feet have not reached.

in the darkness that has unfolded

when our hearts were halved

shadows of memories clouded

paths leading to salvation from

coldness of weariness and solitude.

so here it is

I finally decided that with all the hullabaloos in my life, I need to have an outlet other than my Facebook profile notes or silly updates I make in Tumblr.

It's been a while since I last blogged about things and I have finally taken the courage and the discipline to create blog entries on a daily basis so I would not forget that there is an artist in me, struggling to emerge and be kept aflame.

I am hoping people would be following this blog. But anyhow, with followers or not, I will just write 'cause that's what you do when you are a writer (I think I am LOL).

So you shall hear more from me from here on.

Ciao.